We regretfully inform...

This is the email I received from a popular chain of bookstores in response to my recent job application:

Dear Thomas, Thank you for applying to join our team at Generic Bookstore. We have carefully considered your application and regret that we have no suitable vacancies to match your skills and experience at this time. Thank you for your interest in Generic Bookstore and we wish you every success in your search for suitable employment. Yours sincerely, Generic Bookstore Resourcing Team


When you factor in my CV being chock full of retail/sales experience, including a run in consumer electronics, I'm left wondering what it is they actually do that results in my 'skills and experience' not matching the open vacancy I applied for. I can come to no sensible conclusion other than the 'Bookshop' being a front for something else. Arms dealing perhaps. Or cattle rustling.

Cabbages

Just had a front row seat to my manager and my little shop monkey discussing the preparation of a cabbage. The manager being irate at the amount of time taken to cut up the cabbage and insisted that an hour of meticulously slicing said cabbage into bite size chunks for the Tortoise's could be easy replicated, in a fraction of the time, by placing the vegetable in the car park and running it over with the van. The shop monkey proposed that this may be alittle far fetched only to be countered with 'what would you know, you're barely out of nappies'.

Herpetology at its best

When you have have trouble with the common name of a species, you know you're in trouble. When you have trouble with the common name of a species while in a 20 minute conversation with someone who has not only pronounced the correct name, but has done so multiple times you can be considered clinically dead.

I love this field of study and by consequence I love my job. Many teachers tried and failed to cram information into my head yet they made the silly mistake of picking subjects I literally had no inclination to learn or at any point, put into practise. It turns out all they had to do was pass me a snake and walk away.

In the quest to better myself as a Herpetologist, I am plagued by people who would rather drag everything down to their pitifully low level instead of rising to the challenge. Yes sir, this Tortoise will indeed require  heating and lighting. Unfortuntely, due to the nature of commercial business you wil have to exchange money for these goods. I understand your dismay at this concept but I would like to point out that your Tortoise will not die, which some among us, consider a plus....Ah, welcome back sir, may I ask how your Tortoise is doing? Oh I see, you completely ignored my advice and kept the animal in a shoebox under the bed. Inexplicably the Tortoise has expired and you feel that it is now my responsibility to reimburse the full amount paid for said animal, as obviously, like a televison or a Macbook Pro, it has a years guarentee and death is definitely not on the list of behaviours to be expected by a healthy Tortoise. You'll be intrigued to learn sir, that the hole you entered the shop through doubles as an exit, I implore you to try this technology out.